My name is Ashley. I'm 37 years old. I have been married to my amazing husband for 5 years, and we have the most fabulous 2-year-old named Graham. I'm a licensed behavior analyst and currently work at an applied behavior analysis therapy clinic with children who have autism or other developmental disabilities.
My husband and I met almost nine years ago, shortly after I graduated with my master's degree. He works in the IT department at an oil and gas company in Houston. We've had quite the crazy adventure. We decided to move in together, but Hurricane Harvey hit the weekend we were supposed to move. Thankfully, the house we were renting was still intact, and we were able to move in. We dated for two years before getting engaged, and when he proposed, he had just been laid off from his job. Jordan's mother was a 10-year pancreatic cancer survivor, so we were trying to plan our wedding so she could participate. Sadly, she went into hospice the month before our wedding and passed away three days before we got married. However, we went on to have a fabulous wedding in Hill Country, with cardinals all around us. We felt like even though she was gone, she was still there with us.
We're both pretty nerdy! We got married on May 4th and had a traditional wedding with Star Wars accents, including hand-painted R2-D2 shoes, lightsabers, and beer we brewed with personalized Star Wars labels to celebrate the day. Our date nights have always been fairly casual, usually focused on Legos and beer (especially during COVID). In both our single days and now, we've really enjoyed being social with friends, having game nights, traveling, and hanging out at local breweries.
Our journey to conceive has been one of the toughest roads we've traveled in our relationship. Jordan was always sure that he saw a wife and children in his future, but I was always hesitant about having kids since I worked with children who had disabilities. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to be a good mom if I spent all of my energy on other people's children at work. When Jordan said he wasn't sure about marriage if I didn't want kids, I jumped off the fence and into the "let's have kids camp."
After hopping on board, our only fight was over when we should start trying. Deep down, I felt that it was going to be difficult, so I advocated that we start right away. As life would have it, after continuing to try, we never got a positive test. We started some basic testing and thought we had figured out the problem, but after six more months of heartbreaking negatives, we went to see a fertility specialist.
Many more tests were conducted, and trying an IUI was recommended. After two failed IUIs, we asked to move to IVF. Thankfully, my husband's job had amazing insurance, and all of our IVF was fully covered. IVF, in itself, was one of the longest and most difficult phases of our lives. It took such a toll on our mental health and my body. It was recommended that we have three untested embryos for every live baby. In our first egg retrieval, we only got one embryo, which was much lower than our projections. In our second retrieval, we only got two embryos. Our doctor was unable to explain why our numbers were so low. Our third egg retrieval was the most devastating; we only got one poor-quality embryo. We opted to try one more time and finally had some luck, getting six embryos.
After four long years, hundreds of doctor's appointments, multiple surgeries, and almost 1,000 shots, we were finally ready to try a transfer. We had one transfer canceled, but unbelievably, our first transfer was successful. It was hard to even be excited because for so long, it felt like it would never happen. Forty-eight months of negative tests and finally a positive one. My pregnancy and giving birth were a breeze, and finally, our baby was here. He was an amazing sleeper and always a happy baby from day one. Since we always knew we wanted two, we started trying for a second naturally when Graham was a little more than a year old, and miraculously, we got pregnant the first month.
After confirming that this was really happening (two under two for us), I got concerning news that my progesterone was much lower than it should have been. Our first ultrasound was at six weeks, and we were told to expect the worst. At eight weeks, we suffered a miscarriage that required a D&C due to the embryo having Trisomy 16. It was a hard loss, but we started trying again immediately. With no luck after eight months, we did another embryo transfer in early February, and we are so grateful that we're expecting our rainbow, a beautiful girl, in late October!
Experiencing a loss was sad and emotionally draining, but it was not as devastating as it could have been. Learning that the baby had Trisomy 16 and was incompatible with life helped, but ultimately my saving grace was my baby. I asked April if Graham could participate in our photo shoot because my experience with him was what kept me together, and even though he's not technically a "rainbow baby," he is an infertility baby and is here against all odds. After everything we went through to get Graham with us, I was so grateful that he was here, even though I wanted his little brother to be able to be a part of his life. He had such an impact after waiting every day for those four years, not knowing if we'd ever get the chance to be parents, and having to watch everyone else live our dream so easily. He made it possible to not only bear the loss but also to have the courage to try again. Knowing that we still had embryos helped, but each month after our loss, having another negative was gut-wrenching. Finally, we decided to go back to the fertility doctor and do another embryo transfer. This one we had to pay for completely out of pocket, and so many fears were alleviated when we were finally able to see her little heart beating!
With my mother-in-law going into hospice and passing three days before we got married, and then all of the hardships that infertility brought, my husband and I experienced a lot of grief together very early in our marriage. But through it all, we always had each other. Our motto is always that it's us against the world, and it has gotten us through some very rough times. We've learned to not put life on hold for what might be and to celebrate every little victory. We have such a special love and appreciation for our children because we had to fight so hard for them to be a part of our lives. We've learned that nothing is certain and to take nothing for granted.
I've had a lot of friends who have also had a hard time conceiving, endured a loss, or had to seek out fertility treatments. It took me a long time to stop viewing my infertility as a sign that I shouldn't have kids and take it for what it was: a medical issue. That was a really hard realization for me, but it was life-changing and helped me get the help I needed. My advice to anyone going through this is to find your village, find people who have similar experiences, and let them be your support system. Make sure to plan fun things so that you have great experiences to help balance the bad, and know that even though it's hard now, it does get better.
A really cool fact about our babies is that, even though Graham was born first, his sister will technically be older than he is because he was from our 4th egg retrieval and she is from our 2nd. I wanted to be part of this project so I could share my story and highlight the devastation that infertility and loss can have on a couple, but that there's always hope.
Photographers note: I was absolutely delighted to have Ashley involved in this project. Each of these remarkable women has a unique story to tell, and I am continually touched by the experiences they share. I am grateful for Ashley's willingness to be vulnerable, allowing her story to inspire and uplift others. Graham holds such a significant place in her journey, and he truly is so precious! I have no doubt that he will be an incredible big brother!